Dear Apple,

I hate you so very, very much.  You stopped supporting the OS on my laptop within 4 years of selling it to me, and now EVERY TIME a page has Flash on it, I have to click “Run This Time” and beforeyouasknothereISnof’in’RUNEVERYGDTIMEoption.  Curse You.

My phone does EVERYTHING slowly.  I really think it ought to be able to connect to the App Store in under 10 minutes.

My laptop battery won’t hold a charge again, and I’m feeling very hostile.

I need to buy a new computer.

Go to hell,


P.S.  If you don’t believe in hell, go to South Carolina.  That’s pretty much the same thing.



Dear Verizon,

You suck almost as much as Apple.  The mobile broadband USB device I bought for 80 bazillion dollars and that I have to pre-pay 10 bazillion more dollars to use just stopped working today.

I was on the phone with your customer service for an hour, and while everyone I talked to was very nice — like, “Let’s get her talkin’ about her job and her family” type nice… like “I genuinely wish that you weren’t having this problem!” nice… like not syrupy “I’m in customer service and this is my talking-to-idiot-customers voice” nice but real, honest, nice.  And when I say “everyone I talked to”, that carries some weight, ’cause I talked to three different people.

But none of them could help me.  And I need the device to do my job.  And you’re hindering my ability to do my job.

And you suck.

Screw off,




Dear First World Problems,

Stop making me feel so bad about having you.  You FEEL real, even if you’re petty.

Lose my number,




  1. YES. THIS.
    Your sister sent me to your blog so I could enjoy this rant. I had an epic meltdown yesterday that involved my iPad and the 6.1 software update.
    Thank you.

    My first world problem for the day: intermittent Internet service. I mean, come ON. After yesterday’s crisis, I am ready for the fainting couch.

    • HahaHA! Welcome!

      Your “intermittent internet” comment reminds me of something that always makes me feel like a jerk, even as I’m laughing myself to tears: Louis C. K.’s rant on cell phones and airplanes. Link (with naughty language) here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpUNA2nutbk

      “I never saw a person going, ‘Look at what my phone can do!’ Nobody does that; they all go ‘This f&%kin’ thing SUCKS!’ … Give it a second, wouldja? Could you give it a SECOND? It’s going to SPACE. Can you give it a second to get back… from SPACE?! Is the speed of LIGHT too SLOW for you?”

      Even more apropos of my post:
      “People say the craziest– ‘I… I HATE VERIZON!’ … What are you TALKIN’ about? How can that feeling exist? ‘I HATE VERIZON!’ Why, did they fire you and take away your pension? ‘No, just… a couple of times it was… weird for a second. MMM! I HATE them.”

      Heheheh. I hate being reminded that that’s what I’m doing… but it doesn’t really temper my fury.

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