Dear Apple,

I hate you so very, very much.  You stopped supporting the OS on my laptop within 4 years of selling it to me, and now EVERY TIME a page has Flash on it, I have to click “Run This Time” and beforeyouasknothereISnof’in’RUNEVERYGDTIMEoption.  Curse You.

My phone does EVERYTHING slowly.  I really think it ought to be able to connect to the App Store in under 10 minutes.

My laptop battery won’t hold a charge again, and I’m feeling very hostile.

I need to buy a new computer.

Go to hell,


P.S.  If you don’t believe in hell, go to South Carolina.  That’s pretty much the same thing.



Dear Verizon,

You suck almost as much as Apple.  The mobile broadband USB device I bought for 80 bazillion dollars and that I have to pre-pay 10 bazillion more dollars to use just stopped working today.

I was on the phone with your customer service for an hour, and while everyone I talked to was very nice — like, “Let’s get her talkin’ about her job and her family” type nice… like “I genuinely wish that you weren’t having this problem!” nice… like not syrupy “I’m in customer service and this is my talking-to-idiot-customers voice” nice but real, honest, nice.  And when I say “everyone I talked to”, that carries some weight, ’cause I talked to three different people.

But none of them could help me.  And I need the device to do my job.  And you’re hindering my ability to do my job.

And you suck.

Screw off,




Dear First World Problems,

Stop making me feel so bad about having you.  You FEEL real, even if you’re petty.

Lose my number,